I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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