nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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