FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize