How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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