My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
