In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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