A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
third nipple confirmed
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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