I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
