Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
this just has baby written all over it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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