if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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