JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
