I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
