I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
