this boner is exhausting
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
