New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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