have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
