im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
