well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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