hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
