last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
