Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize