I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
