I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
