He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize