just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
