Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
