That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize