FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
