i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
