I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
