Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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