Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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