So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
