I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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