It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
