i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's rum buckets o'clock
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
