Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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