Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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