My Higher Power is John Stamos
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
