either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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