If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
