Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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