he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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