just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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