i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
