P.S. I can't hear my feet
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
