but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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