Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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