Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize