You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
