I think im going to throw up on grandma
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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