I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
