Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
