if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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