Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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