So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
