just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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