Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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