Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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