I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
