lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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