i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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