I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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