I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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