Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
