How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
