Betty ford says i'm here all night
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
