I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
