I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
