why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
