My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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